I quit facebook and one thing I noticed is there are all these pictures of myself on my desktop from times when I felt like changing it up and/or seeking approval from my “friends”.  This is kind of weird, and I’ve become more concerned with privacy in the digital age (spoiler alert, there isn’t any, and I’ve been blogging for ten+ years so what did I expect?)

Facebook was kind of masking my loneliness, making me think I had a larger network than I do.  Now I see I ain’t so connected after all but it hasn’t become unbearable enough to make a change.  I wonder what my current excuse is and what the reward for this behavior is.  I don’t think it’s more insidious than laziness/fear.

Trying to force myself not to diet, and not to eat diet foods because that is cheating and they aren’t even good and what happens when you stop eating diet foods?  Trying to instead make choices of which I can be proud, or at least enjoy whole heartedly!  Don’t temper joy!  Own that decision you made!  Trying to force myself to eat delicious foods mindfully, and be patient, and be accepting of my vessel, and looking forward to the day when I can make it to the top of Calhoun and also Watson on my bike.  This is something I can measure in a non obsessive, non damaging way.  Calming myself in relation to my body, “You’re already there, you’re already there, you’re already there”.  This is something I know is true.  I feel it and I know it.  The other thoughts, they’re purely cognitive fake it til you make it bizness (“No one is looking at you and so what if they are”), but the body I have is the body I have.

One of the holding patterns is that I feel like I have to get all this stuff right before I go out into the world and connect.  Didn’t I always say in regard to running that if you wait for conditions to be perfect you’ll never start?  Motivation comes later? ETC ETC?

I was going to end saying how petty all of this is and how crazy and pathetic and esteemless I sound, but whatever, right?  This is how I feel, and I’m dealing with it just like everyone deals with all their petty self absorbed shit all the time.  I’ll get there, even if I can’t run there.